Growth at uni does not always mean becoming someone entirely different, says Annabelle Smith.

Annabelle Smith

Sometimes, when I’m feeling nostalgic (and old!), I’ll look back at photos of my first-year self and I feel as though I’m looking at a stranger – different (and interesting) fashion choices, different friends, different priorities. A time when everything was meant to be easy – no mention of your degree counting, no mention of grad schemes, and where everyone told you “it will all work out”.

While years have passed, I wonder how much of us has actually changed. Maybe the person I was when I first arrived at university is not someone I have outgrown, but someone I have come to understand. Maybe, rather than cringing at the thought of our younger selves, we could offer compassion to the person who first arrived at Cambridge and recognise that they are the foundation of who we are today.

Perhaps this is what university is really about: not reinventing ourselves, but discovering who we are when the structures and comforts we have always known fall away. Arriving at university can seem like an invitation to become a completely new person, someone effortlessly confident, endlessly sociable and seemingly capable of balancing everything. Suddenly, we are responsible for our own routines, our academic success, our friendships and the countless decisions that shape our lives. Inevitably, we get things wrong.

We struggle to balance deadlines with nights out, feel overwhelmed by independence or question whether we belong in rooms full of super smart people who have everything under control (whatever that means). Yet, these challenges reveal far more about us that we might realise.

I’ve discovered I genuinely love my degree, and it’s ok to get excited about learning something new, and being ambitious about my future career is something to celebrate, not feel embarrassed about. I have also learnt having the best ‘uni experience’ doesn’t mean saying ‘yes’ to everything – sometimes spending an evening in bed watching The Traitors, or seeing your home friends or partner, or admitting you really need a hug from your mum – is ok!

Alongside the new experiences, the things I have consistently returned to – like playing netball or being part of feminist societies – have reminded me of the values and interests that have always been a part of me. They are the familiar passions that offer a sense of continuity amidst change. University has not given me an entirely new identity; it has given me the opportunity to explore the different parts of the one I already had.

If I could tell my first year self anything, it would be that she does not need to earn her place. I would tell her that feeling anxious does not mean she is doing university wrong. There will always be another event to go to, another friendship to form and another opportunity around the corner.  It is impossible to be everywhere, know everyone and do everything, and trying to keep up with a ‘perfect’ version of yourself is exhausting! Most importantly, I would tell her she’s allowed to be many things at once: ambitious but uncertain, independent but homesick, academically driven but in need of a rest. Looking back, I realise that the person I was in first year did not need to become someone more impressive, she needed time, experience and a little more kindness towards herself.

Perhaps that is the real measure of growing up: not how unrecognisable we become, but how much more accepting we are of the person staring back at us in those old photos.